another moral hangover. fuck.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
