Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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