i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
