I wish I could teleport
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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