so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
