my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
