A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Randomize
