i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
