Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
