Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
