My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
