dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
