Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I think your dad took our porno
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
