dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I am in a vortex of obligation.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
how does that bad decision feel?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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