I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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