Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
