I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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