two words: eviction party
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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