I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Just cropdusted the office
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
