He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
