I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
