i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
