i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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