All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
