pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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