i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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