I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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