he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
