apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize