My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
