someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
