you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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