I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize