im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
