He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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