fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
i think i have two assholes
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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