Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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