i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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