DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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