I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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