Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
