Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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