I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
