You're my little dorito
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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