Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
