i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
