the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
