I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
