Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
