Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
