I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
