oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
