also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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