So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize