In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
