he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
