well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
