Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
