evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
