you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
