On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Randomize
