I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
