i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
