I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
