my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
