His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
